I've moved

I've moved, or rather, my blog has moved. Continue to read all about me (or at least the parts of me I'm willing to post for anyone and everyone to read...) at http://alissamarieforevertobe.blogspot.com/.

See me morph into Yamila Diaz!

See me morph into Bridget Moynahan!

 So it has been over a year since I last made an entry, and to be honest, I'm not too sure what prompted me to do so now (not that I think it was a spiritual prompting... more explanation to follow...). So many emotions and thoughts are racing through my mind and heart that I can't sleep and can barely hold back tears. (and I've had waaay to many chocolate covered pretzels, so I think maybe nausea has something to do with it all).

As I read my past entries I felt a little silly. All my thoughts revolved around a boy who only occasionally thought of me, and now he is happily married. I am happy for him. We both shared a very real fear of never being able to marry, or for marriage to work because of the failed marriages all around us. Mark was good in that I was able to completely open up to him and he didn't think less of me as a person. I will forever be thankful for his friendship. As I also reflected about the wonderful women that I've met through my life. Monica and I are still in touch and I love her dearly. I loved watching her and Roy fall in love and love watching their continued example of what love and marriage really are. I've kept in contact with many of the other girls from that summer through facebook, who would have thought that a lame internet social network could brighten my day with a kind word from someone I hadn't talked to in a while.

I also have been able to grow even closer to the friends that I've known almost all my life. Especially one Caraline Lea Walker. I don't know where I'd be without that girl. I can remember when we were like 13 walking around the Islands and talking about all our struggles in life. I've always been able to talk to her. She has that amazing quality of being able to listen without judging and knowing when to give advice or just listen. She also helps me to have fun and remind me by her constant happiness that life is meant to be joyous.

I also realized how much I really have grown in this past year. All the things I've gone through, all that I've dealt with, all that I've accomplished. I have held down a job for over a year and am still doing great. I've completed nearly two semesters with all A's! I've held several different callings: primary teacher, ward missionary, relief society visiting teaching coordinator, and now a stake young single adult representative. I loved serving as a ward missionary and VT coordinator, which I got to do at the same time. It was amazing how much they worked together and really were almost the same idea. I loved getting to make visits to less actives (even if I only talked to a few out of the dozens I tried to contact) and I loved working with the sisters. I've learned so much in going to the singles' ward. I've really stepped outside of my comfort zone to make others feel welcomed and comfortable and have had the chance to meet some great people because of it. I've also grown to love the Temple even more. During the summer I went every week, something I need to get back into the habit of doing. I'm excited to one day receive my endowments. I've grown spiritually in ways I didn't think were possible, and now I'm preparing to go on a mission! There were times in the past that I really didn't think I'd ever make it this far.

One area that hasn't changed much is dating. I think I'm destined to be caught unawares in love because all that I'm aware of thus far is not much to talk about, except that it is mildly hilarious...

I just finished rereading Pride and Prejudice, so I'll try and relate it to what I know best :)

two weeks ago i went on a date with a guy in my ward, which would be a good thing, but it was with the one with a traumatic brain injury. he has asked before, but i've always found some excuse not to go. i felt bad and i knew some of the other people in the group, so i decided to go. it was the worst date ever!!! no joke!!! and then i felt even worse for not enjoying it because he was really trying his best. he still can't drive, so i drove to his house and another guy in the ward picked us up from there. in the meantime, i met his dad, awkweird. through the course of the date he literally ran to open the door for everyone. he was prompted by the other guys on the date to put his phone away, clear my dishes, etc.... we went to zoo lights and he kept offering to buy me stuff. he asked what i wanted for christmas, like he was going to get me a gift, like we were a couple or something. it was so awkweird! he complemented me several times and didn't stop looking at me. he is so desparate for anyone's attention he didn't really care who. i am happy to be nice to him, but nice is construed as interest. blegh. then at church i actually pretended not to hear him tell me i looked good, and i ignored his text saying the same thing. i didn't want to be mean, but it was either that or tell him flat out i wasn't interested, and even then he might pull a mr collins and pursue me even more.
then, i went on a date for my company christmas party... it is a guy i met through the my calling- he is the ysa rep for casa grande. we had e-mailed back and forth a couple times and then talked at the most recent meeting. he seemed really nice and together, but the date killed all possibility of interest. he blessed his food, for like a minute, folded arms, bowed head, all out. no casual pause before eating, no scratching the eyebrow, all out prayer. it was weird. he made several other comments through the course of the evening, like his sleep, exercise, and scripture study schedule, or spiritual promptings(hence the comment at the beginning), or all his callings, or that he never speeds. i think those are all great things, but i don't think i'd ever tell them all to someone on a first date. it was like he had to prove that he was a good person. it makes me wonder if he is covering something else... mr. wickam anyone?
so i want a mr darcy. i'd even settle for a bingley to date until darcy comes along.

so that is my dating life in a not so small nut shell. i'm a little embarrassed to have that take such a big portion of my entry, but honestly, it is the most entertaining.

Sometimes God's Greatest Gifts Are Unanswered Prayers (or atleast unexpected answers)

I thought I knew what I was doing with my life, but Heavenly Father had other plans for me. I am living at home, in Gilbert Arizona, not Provo like I had planned. I hadn't even planned on living at home for summers again, let alone being here during fall. Let's see if I can explain what I do actually understand....

When I left for Provo after surgery in May, my mom had suggested just staying home for the summer, but I really felt like was supposed to go up there. At first I was confused why it was right for me to go up in May and then move home in August, but I came to realize all the good that happened to me over the summer. I met some amazing people that have really changed my life. Nearly all my roommates had female problems and were completely understanding of my endometriosis, which was able to bond us right off the bat. As I got to know all of them, I became truly moved by each of their struggles and how they overcame them. Mina and her maturity, knowledge, and experience in life is great. She knows a lot about life because she has lived it and I am so thankful for her listening ear and great advice. She is such a support to me, especially as I conquer my depression because she has seen its damaging effects first hand. Belva, who we rarely saw, was always such fun. She is such an example to me as she worked two jobs and had a boyfriend, yet always made time to play with us. She is such good friends with her boyfriends family and a great sister with her own family. Cammie, though it wasn't for long, was a great roommate too. She worked so hard on school, something I always struggled with doing, but when she came out of her room to play, it was a blast. I love seeing her when she stops by and nothing beats her "I CAN'T CONTROL THE FLUCTUATIONS OF MY VOICE!" It is great how well I got to know her in the short time we were roommates. And then there is Monica. What a blessing in my life she has been. I don't even know where to start. She loves her family with all of her heart and isn't ever ashamed of them, something I'm really trying to do. She is kind to everyone and is more than happy to be friends with everyone that she comes in contact with. She knows the gospel is true and lives it with all her might, mind, and heart. She is going to be an amazing wife and mother. I am so happy for her and Roy. She loves me so unconditionally and even though she didn't fully understand why I had to leave and really didn't want me to, she supported me and even bought me a great book to help me. I love sharing her wedding excitement and wish I could be there for more of it.

It wasn't just roommates that blessed my life too, there is Valerie, Jess, Emily, Teresa, Tessa, Whitney, Suzanne, Rochelle, Alicia, Becky, Jana, and so many other great examples. I was the youngest of everyone, and it was nice to be around people with maturity and experience in their lives. Testimonies really can grow a lot from 18 to just 20 or 21. I want to have great experiences like missions, study abroads, serving in church callings, and what I am really excited for, going through the Temple! I hope to continue to grow and someday emulate some of the amazing qualities that I see in these women.

My ward was full of wonderful people, and most importantly wonderful guys that helped to restore some trust in the male gender. I finally had a real crush, I hadn't had one well, as long as I can remember. I think I liked Rustin because I got sick of not liking anyone and he was there. I thought we were compatible and that we had fun together. I realize now that is no where near enough and that I want so much more in a guy, not that he is a bad guy, just that he really doesn't have most of the stuff that has always been on my "list" from Young Women's. Even though it didn't work out, it was a good thing that I was able to have a crush on Mark, and even have some of the interest returned, even if it was fleeting. It was good for me to make myself vulnerable, even if it was only a little bit and it didn't work out. It was also great to see so many great guys, even though they weren't the great guy for me. Roy is absolutely wonderful and I hope to find someone to treat me as wonderfully as he treats Monica. Ian is a stud, in that he is a bit nerdy, yet trys so hard to impress the girl he cares about and is determined to find his eternal companion. He takes the counsel of leaders to heart and really applies it all. Bryan, Jeff, Kyle, and so many others, they are all great guys. Worthy Priesthood holders have something about them that really sets them apart. I am by no means over my trust issues, but knowing that I could trust all these men has really helped.

I know I am home to work on my depression, but I feel like that isn't the only reason. I don't know why else I could be home, but it does feel good to be able to be here for Mom, Erek, even Chase and Jacob. I love being able to be there for my girlfriends as well. I miss Provo so much. I am so bummed that I missed Mina, Monica, and Belva setting their wedding dates. I wish I could be there for all the fun planning and such, but I know this is what I need to be doing. I am thankful for the trials in my past because I can now see how I have grown as a result of them. That helps a little as I try to put my trust in the Lord and do His will. So, here I am in Arizona, taking classes on-line, trying to find a job, and floundering a bit. Like the song says, sometimes God's greatest gifts aren't exactly what we wanted.